Lets talk about kids for a moment.... This summer I am fortunate to have my two sweet grand-daughters come stay with me quite a bit. I would take them permanently if I had to. Their hard working mother is trying to raise them almost completely on her own which is hard to do when you are also the bread winner.
Being a supportive grandparent is tricky. I tend to overstep my boundaries sometimes. Luckily, I am forgiven. Anytime I care for the girls for several days in a row, I start to feel more like a mother than a grandmother. When the girls go home I ruminate on the latest adventures with them and worry about them even though they are fine of course.
All of this simply brings me to reflection.....what is a parent supposed to do? ??? What is a grandparent supposed to do??? How do we ensure our children turn out well adjusted, good citizens loaded with the necessary tools and self-esteem to be successful?
I can only relate what I have learned, which is a fraction of the equation. Part of the equation is circumstance, location, genetics and factors sometimes outside our control. But, as far as the nurture of a child, there are some constants that must be plugged into the formula.
Teach your children well........meaning teach them the skills and behaviors they need.
Teach them to be kind to others. Of course, we lead by example. Be firm, but kind with them. Don't scream at them, curse them or otherwise mistreat them verbally. Sad to say, but I have known a few parents who were devastatingly harsh with even small children under the age of one year!!! It is absolutely wrong to yell at a baby and tell it to shut up. Sorry to say, some people are really that uninformed that they need to be told this.
My own mother was a yeller, but she had to yell with five little girls who did not listen well. I lose patience with just one sometimes. But, I wasn't scared of my mother. She wasn't cruel or denigrating in any way. She was trying to be heard. There are times when it is necessary, like when a toddler is approaching the street. What is not necessary is constant screaming because the parent has no other effective way of dealing with the kids and it makes the adult feel better!
I am also convinced that extremes are counterproductive. That includes the parents who never, ever raise their voice and are constantly calmly explaining the same things to their children over and over and over and over and over and over. If your child is still repeating the undesired behavior you are obviously not being effective and it is time to step up and apply some discipline where needed.
Don't insult your child's intelligence by assuming they are totally incapable of compliance. If the rule has always been no TV before breakfast and they run downstairs and turn on the TV every morning anyway they are testing their boundaries. If you wait 15 minutes and then have a discussion with them, they are getting their way daily. They are watching TV before breakfast. You may as well not have a rule. Instead of repeating the rule, enforce it. If the TV comes on, then no TV for a week. You can bet they won't try that one again.
Remember all behavior is purposeful. Kids want to win the battles. You must win the war. If your child whines a lot, you must be rewarding whining. Are you giving extra attention every time they whine? Then you are teaching them to whine. Do you say things and then not stick to them? Lets say you tell your child they must eat dinner, or no snacks. They don't eat dinner and 15 minutes later they ask for a candy bar and you give them one. Then the kid knows this: I don't have to eat my dinner. It is your fault they are not doing as they are told.
Let's face it. It is a daunting task and we don't catch all of the teaching moments, we don't win all the battles we should some days do we??? But, if we are consistent and enforce rules and boundaries it becomes easier and easier. Kids want limits. Kids need then. They feel more secure and capable with them.
Think about this. How do you feel when you are suddenly in a new situation and unprepared. Say your boss called you in and tells you, totally unannounced, to speak to the company president about what your department in doing to improve customer relations. If customer relations is not your responsibility and you have never even met the president before are you uncomfortable? Are you anxious? What does the boss want you to say? Are you going to be fired if you mess up? Are you going to be rewarded?
What would you rather have happened? It would be better if you knew what was expected of you ahead of time so you would know if you were doing it correctly and would be rewarded, right?????? Are you setting rules and boundaries for your children so they know what is expected of them??
One last thought...catch them being good all the time. If you want to repeat something, make it something good. Keep telling them how smart they are and how much you appreciate them and what they are doing right. Some parents only communicate the negatives. Say things that affirm to them that they are lovable, capable, worthy beings. Say "I love you", say "good job", "awesome", "you did it!!!"
They need to hear it from you because they believe you. I grew up believing it was important to be honest, that I was pretty and smart and nice. I learned that from my mother who appreciated me and told me so daily. She expected a lot from me and I became very responsible. She was kind to me and treated me as an equal and at the same time taught me to respect authority. Someone in your child's life needs to be the leader, and a good leader. The child you are raising may someday be a parent so show them how to do it right. Well, I have a three year old who came in and sat on my lap....priorities........time to go. Peace to you and yours.
No comments:
Post a Comment