The Big Event

We just married off a son this Labor Day weekend. All the preparation and all the cost was ruling us for a week or two beforehand. Out of town relatives were provided for and housed appropriately, arrivals and departures were scheduled and a little bit of sight seeing was accomplished as well.

I have to say, this was the most informal wedding I have attended in many a year!!! It was a tent in the yard, family and closest friends only, mom and pop arrangement that really worked. The ceremony took less than five minutes. Then, we just mingled and ate and departed. I think we were there maybe 3 hours total. The dinner was centered around pizza and cupcakes, which was a little joke of the bride and groom. The guests provided supplemental dishes and snacks and the tables were layden with interesting fare.

We thoroughly enjoyed the day and the fact that the event brought family in to town to visit us was a bonus too. We housed a few at our home and some at a nearby hotel. The maximum we figured would be at our home for any one meal would be twenty-two. We were unsure if a dinner would be necessary that evening after the wedding or not. So, we prepared for a simple picnic. We didn't need to cook that evening, but it ended up being lunch the following day. Everything worked out just right really.

Our guests that evening snacked and sat around the campfire and roasted marshmallows. The kids climbed the apple tree and had sword fights etc... and the women congregated inside after dark gathered around the young mother of a darling three month old baby girl. She was the center of attention almost as much as the bride had been this weekend.

Now, everyone is gone home and we are lapping up the peace and quiet and consuming the leftovers. We have the satisfaction of an entertaining responsibility done well, some sprucing up was done around the homestead, which I always appreciate.

Sweet Child of Mine

Lets talk about kids for a moment.... This summer I am fortunate to have my two sweet grand-daughters come stay with me quite a bit. I would take them permanently if I had to. Their hard working mother is trying to raise them almost completely on her own which is hard to do when you are also the bread winner.

Being a supportive grandparent is tricky. I tend to overstep my boundaries sometimes. Luckily, I am forgiven. Anytime I care for the girls for several days in a row, I start to feel more like a mother than a grandmother. When the girls go home I ruminate on the latest adventures with them and worry about them even though they are fine of course.

All of this simply brings me to reflection.....what is a parent supposed to do? ??? What is a grandparent supposed to do??? How do we ensure our children turn out well adjusted, good citizens loaded with the necessary tools and self-esteem to be successful?

I can only relate what I have learned, which is a fraction of the equation. Part of the equation is circumstance, location, genetics and factors sometimes outside our control. But, as far as the nurture of a child, there are some constants that must be plugged into the formula.

Teach your children well........meaning teach them the skills and behaviors they need.

Teach them to be kind to others. Of course, we lead by example. Be firm, but kind with them. Don't scream at them, curse them or otherwise mistreat them verbally. Sad to say, but I have known a few parents who were devastatingly harsh with even small children under the age of one year!!! It is absolutely wrong to yell at a baby and tell it to shut up. Sorry to say, some people are really that uninformed that they need to be told this.

My own mother was a yeller, but she had to yell with five little girls who did not listen well. I lose patience with just one sometimes. But, I wasn't scared of my mother. She wasn't cruel or denigrating in any way. She was trying to be heard. There are times when it is necessary, like when a toddler is approaching the street. What is not necessary is constant screaming because the parent has no other effective way of dealing with the kids and it makes the adult feel better!

I am also convinced that extremes are counterproductive. That includes the parents who never, ever raise their voice and are constantly calmly explaining the same things to their children over and over and over and over and over and over. If your child is still repeating the undesired behavior you are obviously not being effective and it is time to step up and apply some discipline where needed.

Don't insult your child's intelligence by assuming they are totally incapable of compliance. If the rule has always been no TV before breakfast and they run downstairs and turn on the TV every morning anyway they are testing their boundaries. If you wait 15 minutes and then have a discussion with them, they are getting their way daily. They are watching TV before breakfast. You may as well not have a rule. Instead of repeating the rule, enforce it. If the TV comes on, then no TV for a week. You can bet they won't try that one again.

Remember all behavior is purposeful. Kids want to win the battles. You must win the war. If your child whines a lot, you must be rewarding whining. Are you giving extra attention every time they whine? Then you are teaching them to whine. Do you say things and then not stick to them? Lets say you tell your child they must eat dinner, or no snacks. They don't eat dinner and 15 minutes later they ask for a candy bar and you give them one. Then the kid knows this: I don't have to eat my dinner. It is your fault they are not doing as they are told.

Let's face it. It is a daunting task and we don't catch all of the teaching moments, we don't win all the battles we should some days do we??? But, if we are consistent and enforce rules and boundaries it becomes easier and easier. Kids want limits. Kids need then. They feel more secure and capable with them.

Think about this. How do you feel when you are suddenly in a new situation and unprepared. Say your boss called you in and tells you, totally unannounced, to speak to the company president about what your department in doing to improve customer relations. If customer relations is not your responsibility and you have never even met the president before are you uncomfortable? Are you anxious? What does the boss want you to say? Are you going to be fired if you mess up? Are you going to be rewarded?

What would you rather have happened? It would be better if you knew what was expected of you ahead of time so you would know if you were doing it correctly and would be rewarded, right?????? Are you setting rules and boundaries for your children so they know what is expected of them??

One last thought...catch them being good all the time. If you want to repeat something, make it something good. Keep telling them how smart they are and how much you appreciate them and what they are doing right. Some parents only communicate the negatives. Say things that affirm to them that they are lovable, capable, worthy beings. Say "I love you", say "good job", "awesome", "you did it!!!"
They need to hear it from you because they believe you. I grew up believing it was important to be honest, that I was pretty and smart and nice. I learned that from my mother who appreciated me and told me so daily. She expected a lot from me and I became very responsible. She was kind to me and treated me as an equal and at the same time taught me to respect authority. Someone in your child's life needs to be the leader, and a good leader. The child you are raising may someday be a parent so show them how to do it right. Well, I have a three year old who came in and sat on my lap....priorities........time to go. Peace to you and yours.

Grateful for Stress???

I had a weird thought today. I was recently lamenting about the amount of demands I face this summer and today I was thinking Thank God I have the strength to deal with it all. Am I grateful for stress then? Not so much, but at least it makes me stop and say Wow, I am a pretty strong person.......

How do I personally deal with it? For one thing, I prioritize my life. There are things I would like to get done and they don't. Those are the things that can wait. I can wait another month or season to paint the porch. People who need me, however, can't wait. So, I rearrange my plans.

Another thing I do is take care of myself. As much as possible I make sure I am sleeping and eating right. I also make time for fun. If I have a social event planned like a craft club, I will try my best to keep the date. I know friends and laughter are the best medicine for me. Some people require solitude, not me. I require venting and sarcasm and silliness.

Without going into my personal challenges here, I will also recommend professional counsel. Even if it is someone else who has the problem, I tend to internalize quite a bit. In other words, I am a worrier. One example is my grand-daughter is going into second grade and she isn't a reader! That worries me. Maybe she will be a late bloomer, but I can't relax and let nature take its course. I have to be proactive about it so I worked all summer to pay for her reading lessons instead of taking it easy like I was planning. If I am willing to work this hard for reading lessons, imagine how worked up I could get over something like a family illness. So, I have a very capable counselor who affirms my thoughts and insights and makes me feel like I am indeed making a difference.

Although there are a few times it gets the better of me, I would say overall I deal effectively and that is something to be grateful for in and of itself.

A quote for the occasion? "If it doesn't hurt, you aren't growing." OUCH!

The Lake

What an absolutely stunning day it was at Keuka Lake today. Warm with a light breeze, the water is just right and so crystal clear........We were outside first thing in the morning I'd say around 9AM. Quietly reading by the shore as the water lap, lap, laps at your toes and ducks quack by, now that is the life. As the day heated up we got closer to the water and finally immersed ourselves around 11AM or so. Then, another friend showed up for some floating along the "lazy river" and some reading. Lunch on the deck and more reading. I fell asleep in my chair around 2:30 out of pure relaxation. We packed up around 4 PM to return to our families with a sunny glow and a total attitude adjustment. I need to make the lake part of life somehow.

Gratitude

First bit of advice from Momma is this, no matter what you are facing, have an attitude of gratitude. That sounds corny to some and downright impossible to others right now who are in the midst of stormy weather. It is easy to feel grateful when things are going your way. You just got a raise, you got an A, you bought a car, etc...now you feel like you are in control of your destiny.

But what about when you or someone you love is ill, or you lose your home, or you get fired? What is there to be grateful for then? That is for you to decide, not me, but there probably is something. If you can turn your focus, even for a moment onto the things you are grateful for in your life right now, it will do a lot for your perspective.

If you still have your health, the kids are all home and safe and your spouse just walked in the door from work what could be so bad? I know, I just described the perfect happy family and you may not have that, but you get the picture. Look around you, at your life, and see the things that are going right and appreciate them.

Dwell on the positives as much as feasible. What will that do for you? It will lower your blood pressure, keep you out of the cookie jar and keep you from ignoring the people and things in your life that are worthy of attention. Sometimes, when we have a lot on our plates we focus on the problem and lose our grip on other parts of our lives. If you are out of work it definitely is a huge problem right now, but besides working hard at getting a job, also work hard at enjoying everything that is going well for you.

Your attitude is key to anything in life. How you feel about your situation radiates outward and effects your friends, family, coworkers and either brings them down or boosts them up. You attract what you project too. Project joy, happiness, good fortune, enthusiasm, acceptance, etc...and that is what you will attract.

Remember Momma Always Said say your prayers and count your blessings? Here is the prayer I said growing up,
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
God Bless Mom and Dad and Grandma and sisters and pets and friends etc...
After my prayer I would bless a litany of things and with each God bless I was counting my blessings and reminding myself of all the good things in my life. Maybe before we go to sleep each night we should do that again, stop and take stock of all the things we are grateful for.........I think it would work better than Ambien.

God Bless You