How to Love a Woman

Some of us are born with an innate common sense about certain areas. Some of us learn by trial and fire. Some never make the important connections between cause and effect that occurs in their lives. As I watch couples struggle on shows such as the acclaimed, Dr. Phil, I notice something. There are a lot of men who don’t understand how a woman wants to be loved. Or better yet, men need to know how a woman in love would like to be treated.

Women are wired differently. We respond to the tiniest nuances of behavior in others. We respond. Men aren’t generally so sensitive. Some are, and those men are different than the norm. Men are generally logical. “I told her last week I loved her, that should do her for a while,” they think.

Men decide they love and they declare it. After that, all they need is a regular sex life and a few home-cooked meals for happiness to prevail. Women need something different to feel loved. They need to be honored and cherished. These are big words with big meanings. They are a way of showing love instead of just saying it.

How do you love, honor and cherish a woman? Good question? Are you ready for the answers? That is one thing you should consider carefully. I believe that if you opened the covers of a book with such a title as this, you are at least considering making an effort. It really is attainable to have a wonderful loving relationship that lasts a lifetime. What you need is an owner’s manual and no one gave you one.

So many things in life are not as easy as they look. For most of us driving felt awkward at first. Keeping a checkbook has its foibles. Parenting feels instinctual, but to do it right you have to be very purposeful. The same applies here. Falling in love may have happened easily for you. Understanding how to love a woman for a lifetime may take some effort.

If you don’t want this new love to perish and die you need some instruction. This is true at least, if you’ve had problems in the past or are unsure of your ability to make things last. Sometimes we don’t really want a long-term commitment and tend to sabotage the relationship by being inconsiderate, noncommittal or downright mean. If you think this could be you, you may need to do some serious self-evaluation. Not to hurt your feelings, but you may need some counseling on the issue.

Maybe not, if for whatever reason, you can own up to the fact that you do not want or need a significant other. Then, you can conduct yourself accordingly and need to be honest with the women you date. Just don’t drag some poor girl along through your life if you don’t intend to really love her and treat her well. She may love you enough to put up with it for a while, but eventually the outcome will be painful for both of you.

If you are wholeheartedly into having a future with your loved one, read on. Here goes…..Rule number one is Listen. Really listen to what she says and care about what she is saying. Sometimes women don’t come straight out with what they want. Some of us do, but not all the time. I know this doesn’t sound fair, but women are complicated creatures. Many times we are thinking that if our man really loves us and really cares, he should know what we want. We tend to forget how distracted and also how literal men are. Hence, we think they know some things that they haven’t picked up on yet.

Sometimes, the issue is that we have been saying it and no one is listening. It is going in one ear and straight out the other and we can tell! If you are blessed with a loving, open relationship where she feels comfortable with telling you her innermost thoughts, dreams and fears, then please, please hear what she says. Many times she is not asking anything from you except that you hear her.

The companion to listening is to ask questions. If you think she sounds less than enthusiastic when you suggest a trip to the lumberyard, ask her why? Maybe she had other ideas. She might have envisioned her Saturday as being something else. Maybe it is a beautiful day and she wanted to go for a drive and out to dinner at sunset. If she has something different planned and hasn’t told you yet, find out and maybe you can compromise. Don’t over-react and get mad because you can’t get your projects done. Work in both plans and you’ll be twice as happy. The thing is, you have to listen and ask questions constantly in order to understand one another. You are not in her head and she is not in yours.

We all want to be understood and accepted for who we are by the ones we love. If you don’t understand women, start asking more questions. You’ll understand eventually if that is what you are going for. Now, you know why women ask so many questions! Our problem is, we ask even when we do understand. We dig deeper than we need to sometimes and want to know why? We try to guess other people’s motives and take that personally. Our partners sometimes think we want to know too much because we are tying to change them. That is another book!

Okay, ready for number two? Once you’ve listened, asked questions, and hopefully understood her view, what now? Now is time to acknowledge her wants and needs. You can’t supply all her wants and needs all the time. Some women want a lot. Say you are newlyweds, on a very tight budget and she says she wants to travel the world! She probably doesn’t expect to do it right away. She just wants to hear that someday the two of you plan to travel together. She wants you to share her dreams. If you just tell her you understand and accept the fact that traveling is important to her, she will be happy.

Sure, there are some spoiled, unrealistic people in this world. Figure that out about her before you make a commitment. If your girl is generally a happy, realistic person, she is just dreaming about the future. Dream along with her. Don’t take offense and feel threatened because you know you cannot afford it right now. She is not criticizing you, she’s just spilling out her heart to the one person who she hopes will listen. In close relationships we sometimes take things too personally and think we are being criticized. Try not to be defensive. When we are defensive we are not open and accepting of each other like we need to be.

If your partner does say that she needs something from you, specifically, accept it. If that something requires you to do something for her, act quickly. That is the third rule, once you understand you must act on it. She will be waiting. Say, for example, she’s just told you that she does want to take a ride along the lake and go to dinner. She means today. Putting it off until next month won’t work. She may not want to do it by then. Maybe then she’ll be onto something else. No one knows when their last day on Earth will be. Live in the moment and enjoy each other.

What women want most from their men is to feel special, cared for, appreciated and accepted. Making her needs and wants a priority demonstrates to her just how special you think she is. If she’s happy, chances are you will be too.

Onto the next tip: be sure to know what she really values and respect that. Did you ever think that she nags you about your dirty socks because of a need that she has? Maybe, she values your home and feels it is her job to keep it cozy and inviting. Maybe she needs to provide that for you to feel like she is being a good partner to you.

And who messes up her plan to make your home warm and inviting? You do, by leaving your tools on the coffee table and your dirty socks in the bathroom! Who wants to come home to that? Maybe you wouldn’t care if you lived alone, but maybe you don’t. If she mentioned it once and you listen, accept and act on that information she would not need to nag, would she?

See how easy it could be to have love, peace and harmony with the one you are most intimate with if you only learned how to deal with them? Sometimes men (and women) are a little stubborn or even a little passive aggressive. The more she wants something, the less likely she is to get it. Unless you mate is a masochist, this is not going to work for her. If you are not going to respond to her wishes, or are going to retaliate if she speaks up, what will she do? She may clam up, bottle up her emotions for a while, but sooner or later she will blow! You may not want to be around that day and you probably won’t be welcome anyway if you are!

Some people can’t deal with the wants and needs of others. If you want to be Peter Pan and never grow up, you need to go home to Momma. If you want to be a real man, than take some responsibility in your relationships. Nobody’s perfect and that means you need to be able to listen. There is always room for improvement on both sides.

Hopefully, she will make her requests know patiently and lovingly. If she has abandoned those ways and resorted to “hitting you over the head” with her ideas you must ask yourself, “why?” Did she used to be different? Did she used to be more patient and accepting of you? Is it possible she got tired of asking nicely because it didn’t get her anywhere?

They say we train people how to treat us. Did you teach her that the only way she could get a response from you was to engage you in mortal combat? Do you really want your life to be so confrontational?

All human beings need to be acknowledged, recognized and accepted by others. We need that even more from the ones we love. If we don’t get that from our loved ones, sometimes we become desperate for it. That is when we do things we wouldn’t normally. That is when we over-react or become overly sensitive or defensive.

Sounds messy, huh? It can get that way and the point is it doesn’t need to. All we have to do is recognize what our partner is saying must come from a need that they have and acknowledge that. It may not be a need we have. But, it should still be important to us because we love and respect each other.

Respect is a rule that applies to all areas of any relationship. One serious pitfall to avoid with any woman is mocking them. Being sarcastic or demeaning in any way will undermine everything. Even if it is a true joke and you don’t even mean it……don’t go there. Your woman needs to trust you and your feelings for her. Don’t make her doubt you. If you truly love her avoid any hurtful jokes at her expense or veiled criticisms disguised as humor.

This type of tearing down of her will only make her think less of you. If you are going to be petty and pick on her about some “flaw” of hers then you had better be pretty damned perfect. All this will do is start her thinking how you aren’t so great yourself! You may try to laugh it off, but she isn’t laughing with you. Remember, there is always someone else out there who will tell her you were wrong and whisper in her ear something to heal the wound you cause.

If you hurt her, you don’t deserve her. If you tell her lies and use and abuse her, she will be gone sooner or later. Women have that inner voice called woman’s intuition. It will tell her “something’s wrong” no matter how hard you are trying to fool her. If you are abusive verbally, emotionally or physically that is going to destroy what you have together very quickly. Sadly, some people need to hear this. What they would never think to say to a work associate, or stranger in the market they spew out venomously at their loved ones. They need to rethink their definition of love.

My Sugar Detox Program

I call it "21 Days Without Sweets." I find that I have a particular problem with craving sweets. Not only does chocolate call me daily but baked goods, ice cream, candies and more! I was raised on homemade goodies of all kinds and cheap treats. I continued the tradition to some extent when I was raising my own kids. Now, I vacillate between healthy eating and comfort foods.

The result is I am constantly gaining and losing the same twenty pounds. I would love to lose fifty. So, during a recent bought of backsliding I regained the twenty plus I just lost at Weight Watchers last spring. No, I don't blame Weight Watchers. It is the best eating plan out there. I have other issues that I try to resolve with eating. It is a life-long pattern which makes it difficult, but not impossible, to change.

SO.....when I recently found myself once again falling into old habits that die hard, I decided to take action against my sugar addiction. I read once that to make a habit or break one, it takes twenty-one days of consecutive adherence. That means you eliminate the bad habit or practice the new one without any failures for the full twenty one days.

I took my new resolution very seriously and used my kitchen calendar to show my progress, putting a blue slash on each day as I completed my challenge. There were days, I assure you, when I wanted something.......a candy bar, a milk shake etc.... Because I knew that these sugary extras are not a necessary part of the daily diet and that they were causing me to fall off my diet wagon, I stayed strong. I was even able to sit by and watch as other people in the house ate cookies after dinner! I had real resolve most of the time and when I didn't feel all that strong, I ate some diet yogurt with raisins added for extra sweetness.

My intent is not to eliminate sweets for the rest of my life. That would be impossible and also un-enjoyable! My mission was instead to tame the cravings so that I would not over-indulge on a regular basis. I mainly blame my summer liking for ice cream for my current relapse.

So, on my final day of my plan, day twenty one, my son brought me a Reese cup after dinner. I asked him to put it in the freezer and told him I had to hold strong for about six more hours. He tried to convince me it was enough already and 20 days was sufficient, but I would not hear of it. Later he admitted he was just testing me so I am glad I made a point of telling him my goal was important to me and I wanted to wait!!!!

Well, I made it and I also ate the Reese cup at about 1:30 AM when I woke up to get a drink. : )
I feel more in control of my sweet cravings again and ready to tackle another initiative in my weight loss journey!

Whatever you want to work on in your life, try setting a moderate goal for yourself and initiate my 21 days method of changing your behavior. Maybe reward yourself at the 22nd day with something, maybe even something sweet! : )

Good Luck!

Go Green Guys!!!

I asked my students yesterday how many had gardens at home and the number that raised hands was dismal. This is in rural, upstate NY where anyone who wanted one could certainly find a plot! I didn't think much of it in the middle of teaching class, I just congratulated them for being "green."
If I think about it, it is kind of sad though. People don't know what they are missing.

Cultivating a garden is educational for children. There is so much to discuss with them and it is so exciting for them to watch their sprouts come up and eventually bear fruit. When the day comes to make a salad or eat the first radish it is such a feeling of accomplishment and awe at what mother nature provides for us. It is a wonderful way to instill that respect for the environment and the preciousness of life we want to see in our young people.

Gardening is a great stress reliever. Quietly tending the plants, weeding, watering, harvesting and planting are all great times to be alone with your thoughts. The stretching and bending and the distance from the snacks in the refrigerator are all good too!!! I can work outdooors for a good seven hours straight and just stop for water sometimes.

And gardening is good for the environment. More green spaces means less carbon dioxide, more oxygen, more recycling of nutrients and more biodiversity. Think of how much less auto pollution you are generating by growing at home. The vegetables weren't tended by large farm machines burning fossil fuels. No pesticides were used. No trucks had to transport the produce to market. And you did not have to start up your car to drive to the store to buy the tomato. Your own homegrown produce is also fresher and tastes better!

Even if you start small and let the weeds get the better of you, the benefits will be substantial to you. Start a garden next spring and chances are in a couple years you will be on your second or third expansion of your green patch! Go Greener and enjoy the fruits of your labor of love!

The Big Event

We just married off a son this Labor Day weekend. All the preparation and all the cost was ruling us for a week or two beforehand. Out of town relatives were provided for and housed appropriately, arrivals and departures were scheduled and a little bit of sight seeing was accomplished as well.

I have to say, this was the most informal wedding I have attended in many a year!!! It was a tent in the yard, family and closest friends only, mom and pop arrangement that really worked. The ceremony took less than five minutes. Then, we just mingled and ate and departed. I think we were there maybe 3 hours total. The dinner was centered around pizza and cupcakes, which was a little joke of the bride and groom. The guests provided supplemental dishes and snacks and the tables were layden with interesting fare.

We thoroughly enjoyed the day and the fact that the event brought family in to town to visit us was a bonus too. We housed a few at our home and some at a nearby hotel. The maximum we figured would be at our home for any one meal would be twenty-two. We were unsure if a dinner would be necessary that evening after the wedding or not. So, we prepared for a simple picnic. We didn't need to cook that evening, but it ended up being lunch the following day. Everything worked out just right really.

Our guests that evening snacked and sat around the campfire and roasted marshmallows. The kids climbed the apple tree and had sword fights etc... and the women congregated inside after dark gathered around the young mother of a darling three month old baby girl. She was the center of attention almost as much as the bride had been this weekend.

Now, everyone is gone home and we are lapping up the peace and quiet and consuming the leftovers. We have the satisfaction of an entertaining responsibility done well, some sprucing up was done around the homestead, which I always appreciate.

Friendship

I just want to say this....it is nice to have friends!!! I have more friends than I can comfortably schedule. I don't want to spread myself too thin, but there are so many different kinds of friends and I enjoy them all so much. I can't say no.

Some of my friends I see a lot at work so even though we try to go out to the movies etc.. once in a while it isn't really necessary. Other friends I only see once or twice a year maybe because they live an hour or so away. One very special friend lives all the way across the country! We only see each other every couple of years, but it never seems to matter because we are so close. When I see her we act like silly teenagers because that is when our friendship started. We have been friends for 36 years.

Right now I have to go reschedule a luncheon date that I was really looking forward to because some old friends e-mailed me and want the same date. My daily work friends are getting trumped by my friends from my old hometown. I moved away from there in 1986, but there are still a few girls who like to keep in touch. Even though I don't want to cancel the first date, it is a good problem to have isn't it?

Nurture Friendship Whenever You Can..........

For those former Girl Scouts out there remember this?
"Make new friends
But keep the old
One is silver
And the other gold."

BFN BFF LOL

Sweet Child of Mine

Lets talk about kids for a moment.... This summer I am fortunate to have my two sweet grand-daughters come stay with me quite a bit. I would take them permanently if I had to. Their hard working mother is trying to raise them almost completely on her own which is hard to do when you are also the bread winner.

Being a supportive grandparent is tricky. I tend to overstep my boundaries sometimes. Luckily, I am forgiven. Anytime I care for the girls for several days in a row, I start to feel more like a mother than a grandmother. When the girls go home I ruminate on the latest adventures with them and worry about them even though they are fine of course.

All of this simply brings me to reflection.....what is a parent supposed to do? ??? What is a grandparent supposed to do??? How do we ensure our children turn out well adjusted, good citizens loaded with the necessary tools and self-esteem to be successful?

I can only relate what I have learned, which is a fraction of the equation. Part of the equation is circumstance, location, genetics and factors sometimes outside our control. But, as far as the nurture of a child, there are some constants that must be plugged into the formula.

Teach your children well........meaning teach them the skills and behaviors they need.

Teach them to be kind to others. Of course, we lead by example. Be firm, but kind with them. Don't scream at them, curse them or otherwise mistreat them verbally. Sad to say, but I have known a few parents who were devastatingly harsh with even small children under the age of one year!!! It is absolutely wrong to yell at a baby and tell it to shut up. Sorry to say, some people are really that uninformed that they need to be told this.

My own mother was a yeller, but she had to yell with five little girls who did not listen well. I lose patience with just one sometimes. But, I wasn't scared of my mother. She wasn't cruel or denigrating in any way. She was trying to be heard. There are times when it is necessary, like when a toddler is approaching the street. What is not necessary is constant screaming because the parent has no other effective way of dealing with the kids and it makes the adult feel better!

I am also convinced that extremes are counterproductive. That includes the parents who never, ever raise their voice and are constantly calmly explaining the same things to their children over and over and over and over and over and over. If your child is still repeating the undesired behavior you are obviously not being effective and it is time to step up and apply some discipline where needed.

Don't insult your child's intelligence by assuming they are totally incapable of compliance. If the rule has always been no TV before breakfast and they run downstairs and turn on the TV every morning anyway they are testing their boundaries. If you wait 15 minutes and then have a discussion with them, they are getting their way daily. They are watching TV before breakfast. You may as well not have a rule. Instead of repeating the rule, enforce it. If the TV comes on, then no TV for a week. You can bet they won't try that one again.

Remember all behavior is purposeful. Kids want to win the battles. You must win the war. If your child whines a lot, you must be rewarding whining. Are you giving extra attention every time they whine? Then you are teaching them to whine. Do you say things and then not stick to them? Lets say you tell your child they must eat dinner, or no snacks. They don't eat dinner and 15 minutes later they ask for a candy bar and you give them one. Then the kid knows this: I don't have to eat my dinner. It is your fault they are not doing as they are told.

Let's face it. It is a daunting task and we don't catch all of the teaching moments, we don't win all the battles we should some days do we??? But, if we are consistent and enforce rules and boundaries it becomes easier and easier. Kids want limits. Kids need then. They feel more secure and capable with them.

Think about this. How do you feel when you are suddenly in a new situation and unprepared. Say your boss called you in and tells you, totally unannounced, to speak to the company president about what your department in doing to improve customer relations. If customer relations is not your responsibility and you have never even met the president before are you uncomfortable? Are you anxious? What does the boss want you to say? Are you going to be fired if you mess up? Are you going to be rewarded?

What would you rather have happened? It would be better if you knew what was expected of you ahead of time so you would know if you were doing it correctly and would be rewarded, right?????? Are you setting rules and boundaries for your children so they know what is expected of them??

One last thought...catch them being good all the time. If you want to repeat something, make it something good. Keep telling them how smart they are and how much you appreciate them and what they are doing right. Some parents only communicate the negatives. Say things that affirm to them that they are lovable, capable, worthy beings. Say "I love you", say "good job", "awesome", "you did it!!!"
They need to hear it from you because they believe you. I grew up believing it was important to be honest, that I was pretty and smart and nice. I learned that from my mother who appreciated me and told me so daily. She expected a lot from me and I became very responsible. She was kind to me and treated me as an equal and at the same time taught me to respect authority. Someone in your child's life needs to be the leader, and a good leader. The child you are raising may someday be a parent so show them how to do it right. Well, I have a three year old who came in and sat on my lap....priorities........time to go. Peace to you and yours.

Grateful for Stress???

I had a weird thought today. I was recently lamenting about the amount of demands I face this summer and today I was thinking Thank God I have the strength to deal with it all. Am I grateful for stress then? Not so much, but at least it makes me stop and say Wow, I am a pretty strong person.......

How do I personally deal with it? For one thing, I prioritize my life. There are things I would like to get done and they don't. Those are the things that can wait. I can wait another month or season to paint the porch. People who need me, however, can't wait. So, I rearrange my plans.

Another thing I do is take care of myself. As much as possible I make sure I am sleeping and eating right. I also make time for fun. If I have a social event planned like a craft club, I will try my best to keep the date. I know friends and laughter are the best medicine for me. Some people require solitude, not me. I require venting and sarcasm and silliness.

Without going into my personal challenges here, I will also recommend professional counsel. Even if it is someone else who has the problem, I tend to internalize quite a bit. In other words, I am a worrier. One example is my grand-daughter is going into second grade and she isn't a reader! That worries me. Maybe she will be a late bloomer, but I can't relax and let nature take its course. I have to be proactive about it so I worked all summer to pay for her reading lessons instead of taking it easy like I was planning. If I am willing to work this hard for reading lessons, imagine how worked up I could get over something like a family illness. So, I have a very capable counselor who affirms my thoughts and insights and makes me feel like I am indeed making a difference.

Although there are a few times it gets the better of me, I would say overall I deal effectively and that is something to be grateful for in and of itself.

A quote for the occasion? "If it doesn't hurt, you aren't growing." OUCH!